The Ghost Of MMA Christmas Future

Do not fear me, human.

Do not recoil from my Guida hair-cut, Tanner homage beard or my tattered UFC 1 event shirt.
I was there in the beginning; I shall be there in the end.
For I am the Ghost of MMA Future.

As you celebrate the explosion of MMA’s popularity and dream of the day when your sport is heralded across the world, think again human!
What if your prayers are fully answered?

It will not all be rosy and joyous, dear fan.
Oh no.

Come with me into a future where MMA has taken hold as the number one sport in the world.
Let me be your guide as we travel forward to the dark legacy of popularist, mainstream MMA.
There is a storm coming, and with the positives, you must also take the negatives!

WOOOOOooooooo……



As MMA takes hold of the world, you will see a last push of opposition and animosity before the war is truly won.  The early television fighter interviews will be as inane as you would expect, with the phrase ‘Human Cockfighting’ being wheeled out one last time by the only people to ever use it: moronic, ill-informed puppet presenters.
This final pathetic shot and the overwhelmingly well argued response of outrage it incites in fight fans worldwide, signals at last the start of MMA’s domination.
Long time fans will celebrate a victory, but very soon the glint of profit attracts the wolves.

The true fan and the fad follower shall become indistinguishable as fighter t-shirts become a fashion must have.  Bandwagon designers and mass producing corporations smother the markets in clichéd, uninspired rags.
See the new clothing, see its skulls and shiny foily bits.  See how every term in the MMA thesaurus is suffixed with the word ‘wear’ and plastered across another churned out design.

Look here at this future MMA report-
‘The T-shirt company “Tapoutsprawlsinisterhitmandeathclutchsliverstarwarriorwear” are in their fourth year of law court litigation as they attempt to sue every other MMA t-shirt promoter for copyright breach of their brand name.
The brand is very popular with the larger MMA fan as only the XXL shirts are wide enough to display the company logo.’

Amongst the first cash-in offenders will be the terrible MMA gossip magazines.  ‘Mystic Martial Arts Weekly’ will feature a ‘Fighting Spirit’ section, containing ‘The psychic fight predictions and cosmic life guidance of Guru Nightmare Sanchez.’
Although gifted with skills of clairvoyance, sadly in the end, Guru Sanchez will never see the runaway truck coming.

Let me especially forewarn you of the music.
Oh, by Holy Helio, the music!
There will be a return to ‘form’ by the pop group ‘New Kids On The Block’, who top the charts with a reworking of an old hit by ‘The Knack,’ now entitled ‘My Kimura.’
Although you will hate it with every strand of your DNA, it is still infinitely preferable to DJ Armbar’s 2015 Ibiza club classic ‘The cagefighter line dance.’

Do not concern yourself with the apparent appetite fighters have to become actors and vice versa.  This migration will grow and grow until the fateful year of 2026 when Hollywood is filled with only fighters and the cages contain only actors.
This is universally agreed as a poor year for both industries and will prompt everyone to return sheepishly to where their legitimate skills lie.
The exception of course is Emma ‘Face Ripper’ Watson, whom you will know currently of ‘Harry Potter’ fame.  She will return to acting only when someone pries the heavyweight belt from her cold, dead, muscular waist.

Alex Reid and Katie Price have shown us the shape of things to come as the public’s obsession with celebrity turns its withering gaze on cagefighting.  Be prepared to see fighters as the arm candy of choice for all affluent women of the future.
A fighter fiancé can certainly help keep the pestering paparazzi at bay.
Glamour models and ex-porn stars will still be targeted by lustful fighters, although the romantic union between (name deleted after legal advice) and Ron Jeremy will cause quite a stir, making social events difficult for both men until the truth finally comes out in the open.

Politicians and others who crave the public eye will eagerly pounce and fight over ever small scrap of self respect the MMA industry has, without thought to the damage to the sport, or even to themselves-

Behold news of years ahead-

‘The English Prime Minister’s attempt to be ‘down with the kids’ backfired when he stepped into the cage yesterday for a publicity exhibition match with a well known fighter.  Vowing to ‘go easy’ on his opponent, he winked to the cameras before being brutally choked unconscious in under six seconds.

Unfortunately veteran submission wrestler and amateur anarchist Jeff Monson was so caught up in the spectacle he inadvertently held the choke for just over an hour too long.

A general election will be held following the funeral.’

Observe the bandwagons being loaded with colourful merchandise and product tie-ins, stretching the relevancy to MMA to its very limit.

In business the news shall read-

‘Parents and kids are still enraged at the decision by UFC president Dana White to recall all mini UFC action figures found in ‘Happy Burger’ children’s meals.  The collection of fifty individual fighter models has been a massive hit with fat children around the world, who have raced to eat their way to a full set.

When the product recall was announced there was initial concern that it may be due to a health and safety issue, but it seems that Mr White had his own reasons.

“I still fuckin need the Tim Sylvia ‘pant-shit’ figure and the ‘UFC 80 Carrie’ edition of Joe Daddy.  No little fuckin douche bag rug rat is getting a full collection before me!  I have a spare ‘Running Kaleb’ if anyone wants to swap. If not, fuck you retards.”’

When MMA has ceased being the pariah and is celebrated as the norm, promoters will again look to the value of shock and gimmicky presentation to set them apart and draw attention to their shows.  One night extreme tournaments will return in places where commission rules can be bent, such as the annual ‘North Pole Ice Hole Roll.’

Does the idea of a z-list celebrity MMA tournament fill you with cringing dread?
Just wait until the thirty man ‘Morbidly obese royal rumble’ matches are shown, with referee stoppages due to gassing halfway along a fighter’s entrance walk.
As the money men look for every new angle to exploit, the future could get much, much worse.

Look ahead to this future news report-
‘In Nebraska, Governor Lesner has finally managed to push through legislation for his dual level octagon design, complete with razor ladders, laser beam fence and optional piranha pool.  His new promotion ‘World MMA Entertainment’ continues to both gain younger fans and anger old fans with its brand of scripted cage fighting entertainment.
When criticized for his involvement in such a venture, 97 year old Randy Couture (186,132,54) stated that he was just happy to be still fighting, although he was considering a drop down to lightweight soon.
Governor Lesner has ruled out all requests for co promotion with the fading UFC organisation.  “When Fedor Jnr wants to fight the very best, he has to fight in the Double-Decker Cage®. WMMAE is as real as it gets, whilst still maintaining a pre-determined outcome.”’

Be not entirely consumed with worry though child, for not all is bleak.
As Tito once sparkled on ‘The Apprentice’ so shall Chuck’s sequined gown shall dazzle on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
The introduction of the Diaz and Browning brothers into the ‘Big Brother’ house will be some of the best and most disgusting moments in television history, right up to the point where the riot police and sniffer dogs are deployed. 

You still have the power to avoid these futures my child.
When the important times come you must make your voice heard!
The dark years of seeking legislation are mostly over; there is no need now to compromise the sport’s integrity against the promise of wider acceptance.
MMA is now here to stay, do not let it fall under the shadow of manipulation.
Shout down the rule changes that seek to dilute or change beyond recognition your beloved sport.  Anyone bringing the name of MMA into disrepute to line their own pockets is an enemy of the fans.
When you see an obvious incorporation of MMA into an otherwise irrelevant product or service, do not be tempted!  Put your money back into the companies who build the sport, not those looking for a quick profit.
When the soulless copycat organisations rise, let them die without nurture, leaving the healthy promotions sustained by and for the true fans of the sport.

Go now and remember my words! Keep the sport on the right path and all will be well!
No child, I do not require your thanks… but perhaps in the future you could purchase me a jar of ‘Canadian Red Wine Marinade’ when it is released.

It keeps a shoulder of Hawaiian pork marvellously lubricated when roasting.

Merry Christmas to one and all!

The Ghost of MMA Christmas Future
(Transcribed by Andrew McGuigan)

GUEST EDITORIAL, FIGHTERS ONLY ISSUE 58

Check out my guest editorial "Old War Dogs and New Tricks" in UK issue 58 of the worlds greatest MMA mag: 'Fighters Only.'
Cheers again for the positive feedback, and thanks to the boss man Hywel and also Kirkland Management for the continued opportunities.

If you want to see more, please email the nice folks at FO!

GUEST EDITORIAL, FIGHTERS ONLY ISSUE 55

Hello chaps, please check out my latest article in Fighters Only Magazine! Guest Editorial, UK issue 55, pg 30. "Cherish The Champions, Cheer The Journeymen" Hope you like it, if you do let the chaps at FO know! Cheers, Andrew.

TO INFINITY....

Hello to anyone who still checks this blog for updates! Thank you for your support since I started my MMA writing practice. Thanks to Foo, Amanda and Ryaad, Matt, Angie, Mitch and all the Stanley crew. Cheers to Dave and Kirkland management, The Gypsies Dog and Fighters Only. And Monty Python and the Super Furry Animals. Just to let you know that this blog will still be used, but I will be mainly writing submissions directly for existing MMA websites or ideally exclusively for Fighters Only magazine. Brother is lookin to git paid y'all. I will pimp anything I am fortunate enough to get published on these pages, so you may follow my freelance journalistic career from the lows to the highs, to the crash and through the courtcases and numerous harddrive confiscations. When my world has imploded I hope you will be there for the price of a cup of tea, which I will of course be spending on crystal meth. Kenny Florian will be champion one day. Ta again, Andrew

WANDERLEI'S MYSTERIOUS NEXT FIGHT?

"It's going to be a big surprise to everybody,” “When I say against who and for what weight class people will get thrilled - the hairs on the back of their neck will stand up!” Wanderlei Silva I am going to make a prediction. Since Wandy has mentioned weight class, it means its not likely to be middle or light heavyweight. I think its going to be a heavyweight fight. Why would he want to fight at heavyweight? Only because of a specific opponent, who will make a fantastic match up. FOR THE THIRD TIME! I think its going to be Crocop. There I said it. Who is with me? If it is, please bring it to Manchester in November.

4 RE-MATCHES JUST FOR THE FANS

Sometimes a fight happens at just the right time. Both fighters are evolving at comparable levels, not climbing the skill peak, and not sliding down the other side. Sometimes fighters can miss their pre-ordained, perfect time of confrontation. Their respective career levels may have been too far apart. They may have been contacted to different promotions. Injury or weight class change could also have been a factor. Looking back over MMA history, there are some fights both big and small that would probably have a different outcome if the fighters met today. We always want to see the best version of each fighter. They should be at peak cardio, uninjured and have a fully developed MMA skill set. It’s kind of like if you kidnapped the Hermione Grainger from the first Harry Potter book, and kept her in a cupboard until she grew up to be the legal one out of the last book. She would now be sexy, but emotionally destroyed enough to only have eyes for you. Sure it would still be a victory, but you would know deep down that if you had met her when she was nineteen, she would be too good for you and her fully matured powers would zap your testicles into chocolate frogs before you could even get your mask and knife out. It’s exactly like that. Exactly. Aaaaanyway. Onto the potential rematches. WANDERLEI SILVA vs. TITO ORTIZ. A lot of people forget that these two legends have already met. But before you all rush out to buy UFC 25 be aware that is was not the most exciting fight ever. Although both fighters could now be past their absolute peaks, they are also very different fighters today than they were then. It would be nice to see how Tito still measures up against the swinging aggression of fan favourite Wandy. I think that even Dana would welcome the PPV hits of such a comeback. And the smack talk……oh lord, think of the smack talk. I reckon a Wandy victory by rape-choke ground and pound, followed by Dana tapping out due to excessive gloating. What do you think? KENNY FLORIAN vs. DIEGO SANCHEZ Lets be honest. Its probably going to happen. If Kenny takes the title from BJ and Diego wins again, there it is. If BJ wins and there are no medical suspensions for Kenny, it makes sense for Diego to have the fight right away, to legitimize his title shot. Ken-Flo has improved vastly in all areas since he lost to Diego at the first Ultimate Fighter Finale on April 9th, 2005. He is in a much more suitable weight class and his range of skills, tactics and samurai spirit have made him an unstoppable force. His only loss since Sanchez has been a title challenge against Sherk. Diego’s game has always been good and he looks ridiculously fast at lightweight. The question is how the two fighters now compare five years further into their careers, at a weight class two below when they previously fought. I cannot bet against Kenny. He has been my favourite fighter since he cut Leban open on TUF 1. I think it would come down to superior gameplan and not allowing Diego any space to er, think. (If that’s what he does.) I’ve got Ken-Flo by hot, sweaty, unanimous decision. What do you think? CLAY GUIDA vs. ROGER HUERTA When Roger Huerta decides to come back to the Octagon, he is going to need a warm welcome. A rematch with Clay “The Carpenter” Guida would be great for both old fans and new. Here we go...... A SHELF made combatant, Guida thrills fans even in defeat, so he is unlikely to VARNISH from the UFC anytime soon. Indeed, following a loss many fans are FLOORED by the decision of the judges PANEL. Its PLANE to all that tough as NAILS Guida can CONSTRUCT an exciting fight, and he would be eager to HAMMER out a revenge win. Even if he does have a SCREW loose. Nobody would be BOARD waiting to SAW who emerges winner. Sorry, ‘see’ who emerges winner. Clay would never BOLT from an all out octagon war. In practice he DRILLS for 100% action, and could never be accused of being a LATHEY fighter. Has Huerta still got the enthusiasm for MMA? For me, its Clay by round one rear naked hair smother choke. What do you think? MIKE SWICK vs. CHRIS LEBAN Mike and Chris spent time together as middleweights in the TUF 1 house. They were the only two fighters in TUF who had actually faced each other before. The Crippler Leban had knocked out Quick Swick in a battle they had at WEC 9 (Jan 2004.) Leban drank like a bastard in TUF house, taunting Swick to make sure everyone around knew about his victory. This bothered Swick immensely and he has looked for a way to fight Leban since, even accusing Leban of avoiding him. Although they now fight at different weights, this would be a cracking fight at a catch weight of around 177lbs. Swick has been on incredible form recently and at both first and second glance looks to be the superior fighter. There is one undeniable fact however. Chris Leban (hate him or just dislike him) has a solid KO victory over Mike Swick, and he still has those same very heavy hands. I would go for Swick by TKO. By using the gameplan that worked for Bisping, he could avoid Leban’s fists whilst continuously landing strikes. The difference being that I think Quick Swick would create the opportunity to stagger The Crippler and finish with an aggressive ref stoppage. What do you think? KEN SHAMROCK vs. TITO ORTIZ You'd watch it too wouldn't you, you sick fucks? You disgust me. Please leave your predictions in the comments section below!

I iz Publisht! I iz Publisht!

Great news my loyal readers! My tireless practice scribblings here in MMA-KNOCKOUT-SUBMISSIONS have borne fruit! I have secured the guest editorial page in issue 53 of 'FIGHTERS ONLY' magazine. 'FIGHTERS ONLY' is as you know, the best MMA magazine on the planet, and they are also the organisers of the yearly 'WORLD MMA AWARDS.' It is the literature of choice for all discerning MMA fans, rock stars, prize winning physicists and generally great people. I hope it is received well. Of course if you did like the article, you could always use the feedback email address to tell the nice folks at FO. fighters.only@gmail.com It is a long road to being a full time MMA journalist, all support is very much appreciated! Thanks again for taking the time to read MMA-KNOCKOUT-SUBMISSIONS, please leave comments will your reflections on any of my submissions! Its important for me to know they are being read! Thanks again, Andrew.

DO YOU WANT NEW UK FANS, UFC?

Imagine you are the UFC. Your return to the shores of the UK was met with jubilation by British fans. Every show you announce sells out, and the fans are ravenous for news of the next UK visit. As the UFC however, you are aware that UK is very much still a growth market. Your fans in the UK are mostly people who have followed the UFC for a while, and you still need to market your brand to attract new fans. So far so good? BUT….OH NOES!!1! What has happened? Your television distributor in the UK, SENTANTA SPORTS, has gone under. Your need to choose a new channel. Your existing UK fans are concerned that they might not be able to watch the televised live shows anymore, and you realise that you still need to entice new fans in to the world of UFC. So what short of channel should you choose? *A free to view channel would encourage new fans to the sport, and make existing fans happy, but provide you with limited revenue. *An existing satellite /subscribed channel would encourage new fans who already own the channel, and would be mainstream enough for existing fans, whilst providing you a higher revenue. *Pay per view would provide the largest revenue but definitely excludes the new fans and will annoy a percentage of existing fans who don’t want to pay full price for shows generally taking place at 3am Hmmmmm. What to do? What to do? Well, we know what NOT to do. DO NOT put it on a brand new sports channel (ESPN) that costs everyone £9/£12 per month! You are excluding the growth of new fans, who are not going to subscribe to a new channel on the off chance of liking an unfamiliar sport. ESPN is (so far) not included in package deals so even people with existing satellite or subscribed channels will have to pay extra! This is a lot of money on top of existing subscription costs for just one extra channel. It was not so long ago that the UK fans had to make do with watching taped delayed shows, internet highlights, streams or downloading PPV torrents the following day. These days the DVDs of shows are available to buy after a month or so online, with preliminary fights and extras included for a little more than £12. A lot of UK fans may choose to return to their old ways of watching UFC, and use the money they save to buy hard copies of the shows later, which they can keep forever. This may not be the “right” thing to do, but I am sure it will be an option many UK fans will consider. At the UFC EXPO, UK MMA journalist Gareth A Davies spoke with Marshall Zelasnik, the UK UFC president. Gareth spoke of the concerns UK fans have regarding their future viewing of the sport. Mr Zelasnik said that there were currently two deals being considered, and that if they come to pass, the UK fans will be very happy. The ESPN channel deal has been revealed for over a week now. I don’t know if such a deal will come to fruition, or how long it would last, but the UFC need to seriously consider the impact on their UK fan demographic. My vote? Put it on live and next day delay broadcast, (the same way we had with Setanta) on a channel that is already widely available to people with widespread subscribed TV packages. Sky Sports 1-3 for example. MMA is becoming more popular year by year. The UFC need a platform in the UK that is both open to curious potential fans, and able to provide worthwhile revenue. Both Sky and Virgin Media customers have access to these channels within standard sports packages. I had thought my days of getting results spoiled by internet morons were over. Maybe not. I hope the new broadcasting deal makes the UFC accessible to all of you out there. One way or another.

MEMORABLE COMMENTS FROM AMERICAN KEYBOARD WARRIORS FROM TUF9 FORUM THREADS

Warning!!! TUF9 final spoilers and some strong gloating follow. And so we have come to the end of a great season of The Ultimate Fighter. The format of Team UK v Team USA was always going to provoke national pride from both sides of the pond. The internet fans of one team were fully expecting to win and made loud, crass noises all over MMA forums to that effect. Sadly things did not go to plan for them, and face saving excuses had to be made. I have selected a number of forum posts from Team USA fans and presented them below. The posters names have been omitted to protect the boastful and bitter. The posts were taken from several of the major MMA forum websites. If you have ever posted on an MMA forum, you will understand that they are sometimes frequented by persons of extremely varying intellect and vocabulary. All spelling mistakes have been maintained for authenticity. The first section is taken from posts from before the start of the season and up until Episode three, when the Team vs. Team matches began. The first two episodes, if you remember, covered the two teams separately having the selection fights. These early posts reflect the deep self belief fans of Team USA had in future victory, as well as their casual brushing aside of UK potential. The second section is taken from posts following Episode twelve and after the live final. Feelings had changed by this point. There was a lot less posting altogether from US fans. Not so vocal now eh? So why had team US fared so badly? Surely it could not simply have been that they were beaten by a superior team? No, it must be another reason…..a vast conspiracy of some sort….. By the way, there were many Team USA fans who were extremely decent and complimentary towards Team UK and also very gracious in defeat, but here is NO fun to be had printing any of that drivel. I think the android Kryton from Red Dwarf said it best: “Aaaahhh….Smug Mode!” AT THE START OF THE SEASON (PRE EP3) *I think they should have US vs Brazil. It would be more competitive. *You Brits are gonna get smashed, shame its not “Tea and Crumpet Fighter” lol. *Although Brits have the reputation of being tough, their mentality hinders their potential for sports such as MMA. *I cant wait to see Hendo destroy Bizzping. *We have good fighters plus those UK fights last night looked very ametuer and premative *UK fighters are typically smaller than US fighters, and really not as good as American fighters. *Its not really fair on you UK guys cos you just have England to choose from, we have the whole of the US. *Will there be SUBTITLES when the British fighters talk? I have no idea what they saying. *I thought it was a terrible showing by the Brits. They all looked very sloppy and they all seemed to gas very easily * Demarques Johnson is clearly the best fighter in the house by a long way. *The UK probably got crushed in this series because they didn't get half as many people showing up for the tryouts as the US did. *EWW GROSS A GINGER!!! *The Brit fighters themselves are not to blame for this, but they just don't have access to the quality of trainers, the wealth of experience and the competition that fighters in the US do. *16 people from the uk . how many of them aren't Soccer/football hooligans ? :D *Its almost like they grabbed the UK fighters off the streets just to make a show. *Bissbin is such a douchebag. *your crazy if you think UK is gonna win, they cant sprawl, they cant tell when there winning stand up and when to take it to the ground or not, and there records where horrible compared to the american fighters. *Ahh seems very one sided. America will win IMO *187 overall fights for the US boys and 121 overall fights for the UK boys tell me the US boys have 1/3 more experience under their belts. *it should be North America vs the world *i listen to certain british people and all i hear is them trail of and mumble. lildkjf kdj dkjf oa. TIMMY!! *In my opinion, British fighters struggle with MMA for the fact that they are brawlers. Anyone who has spent some time in the UK will tell you that the need to fight is much stronger than in the USA, you are far more likely to see a fight in Glasgow than anywhere in the USA. * THE BRIT TEAM ARE SUCH FAGS LOL ALL BEING BEST FRIENDS AN CHUMMY. NONE OF THEM ARE JIZZING IN EACH OTHERS FOOD LIKE THE US TEAMS DID LAST SEASON!!!DOUCHE-BAGS!! ROFLCOPTER!!1! INTERLUDE (During which we all spent a few months watching TUF Season 9, TEAM UK VS TEAM USA, episodes 4-11. To summarize, TEAM UK were united in the house, while members of TEAM USA bickered and moaned, with one of them even giving away training secrets to the UK fighters. TEAM UK won the final by a landslide, winning a preliminary bout and capturing both LW and WW titles, having filled ¾ of the final places. ‘LOL.’ Indeed. And now, back to the greatly depleted TEAM USA fan forum posts that appeared after episode 12 and after the final.) AT THE CLOSE OF THE SEASON (POST EP12) *TUF is crap now anyways. *You guys only won cos Dana wants money from shows in England. *Wilks is living in the US so its actually a welter-weight win for Team America. *I really wonder if they (the ufc) chose less skilled fighters for the US team to make it an even contest. *Pierce is such a douche-bag. *these guys were the best the UK had to offer where most of the top level talent in the US has been found. *the UK is our bitch so it doesnt matter *Personally I like the Brits, but do NOT condone what appears to be a set-up. *I cant wait to see Hendo destroy Bizzping. So there we have it. We won. They lost. All that’s left is to get a complete victory with a result at UFC 100. WAR BISPING!!!

UK UFC FIGHT NIGHTS SHOULD BE CONTROLLED BY A MACHINE

The UFC has an ongoing mission to increase the amount of territory it covers. After visits to the UK, Japan and Brazil in the early UFC days, they expanded again in the last few years, coming to the UK, Canada, Ireland and now Germany. Hopefully France, Philippines, Japan, Brazil to come soon. At the moment we are seeing at least one show a month, but this can often increase to two, if a UK show or fight night is scheduled. When Marshall Zelaznik was appointed UK UFC president, I personally thought it would mean developments on top of the UK shows. So far that does not seem to be the case, but who knows what is secretly in the pipeline. At the fan Q&A session at UFC 99, Dana White hinted that the UFC would return to the UK in October. There are weighty rumours already that the next full show will be UFC 105 in November, at the MEN in Manchester. We are still waiting for official confirmation of this. Many sources think that the October UK show will be the first “Fight Night” show in the UK, possibly in Newcastle. This would be great for fans, as we welcome any UK UFC show. I do think that we could take this a step further though. Here is my suggestion and wish: regular UK specific UFC Fight Nights. Three shows per year. They would be in addition to the larger UFC shows that the UK currently receives roughly every four months. They would be held in the areas that the UFC has previously wanted to access, but have been unable to because the venues that were too small for the big shows. Dana himself has stated that certain smaller UK venues would be perfect for Fight Night size events. This means that the long hoped for Scotland shows would now be possible. The UK Fight Nights would provide a platform for mainly UK (and travelling French) fighters to advance beyond smaller local shows and progress a career with the UFC. If Marshall Zelaznik can take responsibility for the running of these shows, the UK already has the infrastructure of referees, commentators and presenters to cover them, without interfering with the normal shows. Obviously the person chosen as Master Of Ceremonies should ideally be well known, have MMA and MC experience, and preferably be indigenous to the UK. My vote would be for Ian “The Machine” Freeman: British MMA pioneer, UFC veteran and star of multiple Tv shows, films and MMA promotions. He is also the face of the top MMA magazine “Fighters Only.” Ian has had a long and exciting MMA career, from defeating Frank Mir at UFC 38, up to returning from retirement to reclaim the Cage Rage LHW title at the age of 41 in 2008. Although “The Machine” has his own adults audience only show, he is able to adapt his delivery style to one appropriate to the crowd, and of course the organisation. He would not be the first to do this, Joe Rogan the famous UFC colour commentator has a successful career in stand-up comedy, little of which would be suitable for a UFC broadcast! Somewhat more importantly though, Ian has taken on a role as a British MMA ambassador, presenting several shows and being a regular master of ceremonies for North East of England promotion “Strike and Submit”, and most recently for the exhibition match between WAMMA champions Fedor Emelianenko and Shinya Aoki. With the first UK Fight Night rumoured to be held in the North East of England, I can’t think of anyone who would be more appropriate and familiar to fans, and can help get the UK Fight Night format up and running smoothly. Do it Dana!

SIGNING WHILE THE FIGHT IS HOT

Recent news suggests that the M1 Global organisation may be willing to arrange Fedor Emelianenko a one fight deal in the UFC. The fight would be sometime after UFC 100, for the Heavyweight belt, against the winner of Lesner vs. Mir. As MMA fans we can speculate forever, but until the pen is put to paper, it is all just hypothetical. There has been much discussion and arguing about Fedor having a UFC contract. Demands from both sides about contact limitations and additional requirements, rights and wrongs on both sides and…….oh-God-please-lets-not-get-into-all-that-again. The back and forth bartering always takes time and weighs heavily on the premise that the star fighter in question will continue amazing form, so that dream match-ups are worthwhile. The outcome of all the fruitless negotiations meant that some of the super fights MMA fans have wanted to see have been denied to them, until eventually the match-ups begin to lose their lustre. I think it is more important to MMA fans, that there is a fight at all, regardless of contract. It is a given that the UFC would not accept anything less than Fedor being solely their property for the fight. They have no need to entertain the notion of cross promotion. A one off fight for Fedor with the UFC champion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, would at least give us one historical match-up while all competitors are still at their relative peaks. As MMA gets bigger it becomes easier for a fan to spot the potential super-fights, and also lament the ones that will never happen, or would happen too late. We will never see Kazushi “Gracie Hunter” Sakuraba face off against Rickson Gracie. The potential of Randy vs Fedor was scuppered early when Randy learned that the cash carrot offered to Fedor by the UFC was a bigger monetary vegetable than the one on his plate. He then threw himself out of the loop for such a long time that Brock became the much bigger draw. We were lucky to see Chuck against Wanderlei when we did. Both fighters had aged together, so they were able to put on a classic battle. Whilst their form has dropped since against other opponents, their fight lived up to the hype that had built for years. Shinya Aoki vs BJ Penn? I will have some of that unlikely scenario! I really hope Fedor does fight in the UFC while it is still relevant in terms of rankings. Although he seems unstoppable, he is only one loss away from reducing his value as the so called “best heavyweight in the world.” It would still mean great fights if Fedor came to the UFC following a loss. It would just not be THE great fight. And all eyes would then turn to “The Fedor Slayer.” And so on. And so on.

HOW SHOULD FIGHTERS BE DRUG TESTED?

The issue of banned performance drug use in MMA still occasionally rears its ugly head. After Chris Leban tested positive following his loss to Michael Bisping, he said he would embark on mission to warn children of the dangers of drugs. How very honourable. He could of course have done this without taking the roids in the first place, but I’m sure he must have needed the experience to back up his honest and brave lectures. It is a problem that many feel passionate about, and is something that can also question people’s faith in fighter rankings. All any fan wants to see is a fair fight. Only yesterday a sweet old lady at the bus-stop saw my “Team Kenny Florian” T-shirt. Her eyes widened and her finger shook with anger as she pointed at my shirt, her soft, gentle wrinkles now contorted into a mask of apoplectic rage as she cackled venomously. “Kenflo was ruddy robbed! That other muscley bugger was probably juiced up to the knackers when they fought for the vacant lightweight title! He must have got himself clear before the test! And where the fucks this bliddy bus at?” So this week’s poll is regarding drug testing in MMA. I’m optimistically hoping for as many as six replies to this weeks poll, so please be patient should the internet explode due to such immense traffic. Please tick a box in the right margin according to your preference. HOW SHOULD FIGHTERS BE DRUG TESTED? -They should be allowed to take so many performance drugs that it comes leaking out of their eyes when they lean forward. -Before and after every fight. -Before and after every fight, and at peak training times. -Before and after every fight, at peak training times, and three times randomly per year. -Keep them permanently hardwired to testing equipment. Especially him. You know who I mean….

LAST WEEK’S POLL RESULTS!

UFC 100 HOW WILL YOU BE WATCHING IT? We had a staggering amount of replies to this poll. Nearly 500,000 in total! With a few zeros knocked off. Okay, so there were five. My scientific calculator tells me that: 20% will be watching a live broadcast on Tv or internet with only your own household. 60% will be watching a live broadcast on Tv or internet with a group of friends. 20% will be Recording and watching later with a group of friends. I hope you will join me in sending these exciting results to the leaders of all political parties, and also screaming them from the roof-tops until your lungs bleed.

I DENY SLANDERING MR JUANITO IBARRA

I would like to make an official statement to all followers of this Blog. In recent news Mr Juanito Ibarra, the ex manager of UFC fighter Rampage Jackson has made accusations that several fighters and online MMA blog sites have slandered him, and he will be taking legal action against them all. He has named these websites, stating he will bring attention to them and the identities of their creators. Sadly, my Blog is only a month old and has a very small amount of followers at the moment (Thanks again for checking in Dad, one day I will explain what the letters MMA actually stand for.) As it did not exist until a month ago, MMA-KNOCKOUT-SUBMISSIONS has not been involved at all in any actionable slander towards Juanito Ibarra. So, unlike Cage Potato, Bloody Elbow, Five Ounces Of Pain and the other sites Mr Ibarra has his legal sights on, I will be getting no free publicity for my Blog. This hardly seems fair, especially as I’ve done nothing wrong. With this in mind I would like to release the following statement as owner of MMA-KNOCKOUT-SUBMISSIONS. “MMA-KNOCKOUT-SUBMISSIONS has never, and will not at any time, support any unfounded allegations that Mr Juanito Ibarra is a member of the ancient secret society “The Illuminati” and is actually a shape changing alien life form sent to earth to undermine the sport of MMA. Any suggestions otherwise are total bollocks.” Thank you for your time. I do think he looks silly in that hat though, but that is purely a matter of personal opinion. (LEGAL NOTICE: Anyone wishing to contribute funds toward the “MMA-KNOCKOUT-SUBMISSIONS” Satirical libel fund should contact me privately. Hard cash and Nandos chicken products only please.)

THE WEEKLY POLL!

Each week I will be asking for your thoughts on issues and events currently in MMA. We may discover hidden truths, passionate opinion, or just the bleeding obvious. Just one click on the right hand side is all it takes…… This week- UFC 100. How will you be watching it? Dana White recently commented that viewing figures are difficult to calculate, as a lot of UFC fans watch shows in groups, all together at a friend’s house for example. Some people in the UK will stay up and watch a UFC show live in the small hours of a Sunday morning, while others record or download it and watch it the following day (and carefully avoid reading results spoilers!) Some people manage to go to a lot of shows in person! So, regarding UFC 100. How will you be watching it?

MMA in NY! So good so far....

Congratulations to New York for winning step one in their fight for MMA legislation! The New York State Assembly's Committee on Tourism, Parks, Arts and Sports today voted in favour of Bill 2009-B, stage one in the review. They passed the vote with a 14-6 margin! Keep it going NY!

THE UFC’S NEXT LEVEL (3), BRANDED PRODUCTS

The UFC’s progress to the mystical “Next Level” will also be accelerated by brand recognition. T-shirts and posters are the staple of MMA events, so these are to be expected. Of course we have in recent years seen MMA events based on t-shirts, as well! The UFC are expanding their brand in a few areas now. The opening of UFC gyms. Official collectors trading cards and action figures. The UFC 2009 Undisputed videogame. The first UFC commercial gym in England will be in Birmingham. It will be open to all of the family who wish to get fit and perhaps engage in some MMA training at various levels. This sounds like a great idea to get normal gym monkeys into MMA. It could also help to provoke some interest from budding female fighters in the UK, by taking the “boxercise” idea and expanding it to casual MMA training. We could see a whole new generation of female amateur stars, who will naturally force events to be created for them when the desire to turn professional becomes strong. I will be buying the UFC action figures and trading cards if they become easily available in the UK. This is because I am a muppet, and like that sort of thing anyway. They can stand next to my “Spinal Tap” dolls, and my “Monty Python” trading cards. I do wonder how popular the action figures will be outside of adult collectors like myself. Is the UFC popular enough with young children, the other age demographic that likes action figures? At this stage I would have thought not. Perhaps in a few years this may change. In the meantime, muppets like me can snap them up and keep them in their original packaging, while wives and partners roll their eyes in despair. The UFC 2009 Undisputed Video game is a major step forward for the UFC. The reviews that the game has received show that it is in a market by itself as a more realistic fighting game. No fireballs, dragon punches or enormously muscled combat androids here. And no, Brock does not count. The game is a simulation of MMA skills including stand-up, grappling and most importantly, ground fighting. While the mechanism is not perfect, the clarity of the moves is outstanding and this will help put to bed one of the major issues new UFC viewers have: understanding the ground game and submissions. Many fans who are uneducated about the ground game claim to find it boring, and it is the area where non fans typically insert tired homo-erotic comments. Fans of the fighting genre of video games will have explanation and visual training in the execution and terminology of BJJ. I believe this in itself will be a major step forward in the recruitment of many new UFC fans, who will watch their first live show or PPV with better technique recognition skills than those who came to MMA in previous years. The only downside of this may be an arena full of fans empathetically pretending to hammer the “X” button to help a fighter escape a tight triangle choke.

THE UFC’S NEXT LEVEL (2), MMA LEGISLATION

No holds barred. No gloves or guards. No weight classes. No time limits. Two men enter, one man leaves. Banned in many states across America. Joe Son getting repeatedly punched in the plums. These are some of the enduring concepts and images of the early-days UFC. The owners promoted the idea of a dangerous and barely legal sport, and it won them many curious fans in the beginning. They traded on an exaggerated perception of brutality. It was brutal then, and some maintain it still is now. Sadly, in the eyes of some law makers, 1994 was not so long ago. People with legislative influence who were shocked by the blood-thirsty posturing of the early UFC advertising, may be difficult to persuade now. The people who found UFC 1 barbaric, have not been buying the Pay Per Views since, and have not watched the sport grow and change over the years. Zuffa and MMA are now facing some of these same people, trying to explain to them how the sport is both skilled and safe. Now the tables have turned, the shock and awe style promotion that suited the pre-Zuffa era is counter productive and in order to market the UFC in its modern form, the “Just Bleed” man is out of favour. MMA is now marketed as evolved combat between “complete” fighters, with late stoppages howled at by fans and Dana White alike, and drug cheats receiving bans. The battle for New York MMA legislation is seen as the other sign that MMA in general and the UFC in particular are moving up in the market. Is this in itself an achievement of “the next level?” It certainly would be a great achievement for all of New York’s MMA practitioners and fans. The UFC would have a great trophy venue in Madison Square Garden, which will no doubt provoke some pointless animosity from a few members of the boxing community. The UFC will provide event revenue figures, as well as estimates of the impact a travelling UFC audience has on local economy and tourism. The safety record and details of rules and precautions will back up the more contextual comparisons with other so-called “dangerous” sports. Whilst New York would be a legal coup, make no mistake that the UFC will be immediately hot on the heels of the next state with legislation issues, or even whole countries such as France. Last time I was on holiday in New York there was an enormous advertising board in Time Square, proudly promoting the next UFC show. I wasn’t aware at the time that MMA competition was illegal. When I visited Renzo Gracie’s gym to buy a T-shirt, it was packed with BJJ students preparing for a weigh-in. There are people training and preparing, having to leave a city they love to participate in a sport they love. It is not the goal to have the entire world fighting, more that the entire world is allowed to fight, should it choose to. NEXT: UFC BRANDED PRODUCTS

THE UFC’S NEXT LEVEL (1), INTRODUCTION

What is “the next level” for the UFC? Recently the ESPN sports network broadcast a special televised witch hunt featuring Dana White, in which he was chastised for swearing and not acting the part of a distant corporate sports owner. During this programme the interviewers pondered whether Dana was the right man to take the UFC publicly forward to the “next level.” How do we know when this “next level” is achieved? How can it even be defined? I do not agree that one single event constitutes an achievement of “next level” status. There is no black and white, win or lose. The grey area of continuous UFC expansion rests on a number of factors including: The Maintenance of current event standards. Television network and Pay Per View deals. Wider MMA legislation. Event frequency. UFC branded products. MMA is the fastest growing sport in the world but is still comparatively young when compared to the sports it now seeks to eclipse. The goals and obstacles it faces are still at a basic survival level. Apart from the UFC, most other promotions main concern is staying afloat. They have enough problems either filling seats in the current economy or finding a business model that will allow both profit and growth. The influx of new fighters to the UFC is greater than the amount of event places available. The UFC is on a constant hunt for unknown talent, out of contract stars, and camera savvy TUF contestants. Aside from certain legendary fighters, the UFC is quick to cut the contracts of fighters who fail to entertain or perform, but just being a UFC veteran can help a fighter gain places in other organisations. With their constant rotation and roster culling, the UFC does all it can to ensure that the best fighters stay within the organisation. Sometimes a young fighter may lose form and have his contract cut, before proving himself with a smaller promotion and returning to “The Big Show.” Great fights can never be absolutely guaranteed, but by keeping the cream fresh, the UFC tries to stack the odds in the fan’s favour. The UFC is in such a unique position of rapid expansion that media commentators seem to be concerned that the UFC is not ready for mainstream television. Or perhaps as Dana affirmed, mainstream TV may not be ready for the UFC. As long as the PPV numbers are big enough and often enough, why would the UFC even care? The UFC has a great additional revenue source from its DVDs, which also include the back catalogue of pre Zuffa shows, and of course the fabulous PRIDE FC shows obtained during the promotion buy-out. There will always be opponents to combat sports, be it boxing, martial arts, or MMA. There will always be people who just don’t like it, as many others do not like football or darts. The UFC cannot aim to convert the entire world into either practicing fighters or avid viewers, but it is doing a great job of expanding its horizons in a fast but seemingly controlled manner. (NEXT: MMA LEGISLATION)

UFC 100. HALL OF FAME AND THE BUFFER 360

I love the concept of the UFC Hall Of Fame. It is great to see the forefathers and builders of the sport we love properly recognized. Because the sport is so young, many early watchers of UFC can say they have been fans since day one, something more difficult for a football fan whose team began in 1892! We are now approaching our official second generation of UFC veterans. Randy was the first of these inducted and is sure to be followed by Mr Hughes and Mr Liddell. Rumour has it that two people are to be inducted into the Hall of Fame at UFC 100. Mr Ortiz arguably deserves a shot (see earlier submission) though he may forced to wait a little longer for recognition, perhaps until the temperature of hell drops to minus figures. Others mentioned have been posthumous honours for Helio Gracie, Evan Tanner and Charles “Mask” Lewis. I think there is a great value in honouring all of these great contributors to UFC history, it should not just be about the number of titles won and defended. And it would not devalue the honour and respect of a posthumous award simply because a few will happen at once, on the occasion of such a landmark show. If we can have a nice ceremony for the Hall Of Fame presentations, several well constructed video highlight reels, and some exciting announcements, I think it will be a very fast paced and entertaining nine hour show. Of course all the sensible awards and announcements may pale into insignificance if the man Bruce Buffer does “The 360.” He has been dared by Joe Rogan, who said he would personally “Shit his pants” if Bruce does “The 360” before the main event at UFC 100. If you are not familiar with the potential joy that would be unleashed world-wide by the power of “The 360,” then allow me to enlighten you. When introducing the fighters for the main event of a UFC show a few years ago, Bruce discovered that he was facing and pointing toward the champion as he was starting to introduce the challenger. With a deft 180 degree spin on his stylish heels, he whipped around to face the correct fighter, still maintaining his pointing pose. And he looked damn cool doing it. So cool in fact, that he started doing a “180” regularly, but only before the main event introduction. Mr Buffer has stated that “The 360” starts and ends with the challenger, turning a full circle in between. It is an audacious concept, with great risk and reward. A sharp suited, spinning master of ceremonies with fantastic hair would be the creamy topping on a fabulous UFC centenary cake. But what if he slips on some Vaseline carelessly discarded by a clumsy corner-man? (Example chosen purely at random.) It could be tragic. I think I speak for everyone when I say that it would be a sad day for MMA when Bruce Buffer’s perfection is even slightly ruffled. Will he dare to attempt “The 360” at UFC 100? I hope he does. I will shit my wife’s pants. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N0GAN0_I7c

TITO ORTIZ AND THE UFC HALL OF FAME

Love him, hate him or just “lol” at his increasingly exaggerated self image, Tito Ortiz has done a lot for MMA, and particularly for the UFC. It is easy to get bogged down in the long war of insults between him and Dana, but Tito has always maintained he has no problem with the UFC generally and the Fertitas specifically. Now that the time approaches for Chuck to receive his large octagonal piece of honorary glassware, with Matt Hughes no doubt to follow, I wonder whether Tito will ever get the nod? Hall of fame winners are not just about number of victories. They embody the rise of the UFC and stretches of time when they dominated the hearts of fans and ratings. It is easy when thinking of Tito to immediately think of him losing to Randy or Chuck. That period in the history of UFC was a great one. Aside from the emergence of TUF Tv show, fights were held that began to recapture the PPV audience. The fight triangle between Randy/Chuck, Randy/Tito, Chuck/Tito, Chuck/Randy, Randy/Chuck, Chuck/Tito (if I got that right) thrilled us for a few years straight, and put Chuck and Randy into the status they enjoy today. Up to the point of losing his light heavyweight title, Tito had enjoyed a three year winning streak, with five title defences. He was also chosen as coach of season three of TUF. He was a firm fan favourite and worked the limelight, taunting opponents with his mouth and T-shirt slogans, and making sure he spent time meeting and greeting the audience at shows. Tito is by no means finished now, simply awaiting his UFC no-fight contract stipulation to end, whilst seeking a (hopefully) realistic contract with another promotion. He still has an army of fans waiting for him to return to greatness. It could however, be argued that he has already peaked, and that brings me back to wondering if (bad blood aside) the big show itself will properly remember Tito Ortiz after he has gone.

UFC 100: THE "BABA O'REILLY" HIGHLIGHT VIDEO

There is one piece of footage I think the UFC should release to the PPV viewing public for UFC 100, and that is the “Baba O’Reilly” highlight montage. Not familiar with it? Perhaps you haven’t been to a live UFC show yet? The “Baba” video is shown to the audience on the giant screens in the time gap between the undercard and the live main card. It is a fantastic highlight reel of the biggest names in the UFC, timed to perfection with the WHO song. The speeding up ending of the song covers the legendary TUF 1 final fight between Griffin and Bonner. To my knowledge the footage never been available other than at the live shows. Many people try to film it on cameras, but the results are usually of poor quality or actually removed from the internet by the UFC. So this video has been exclusive for quite a while. I think the time has come to give everyone a taste, and UFC100 is the perfect place for everyone to see it. Boot it up immediately after the “ZUFFA” logo comes on the screen, everyone at home will go mental, and my carpet will be covered in beer. While we are talking about highlight videos, how about a suggestion for the skilled individual who edited the “Baba” reel? Lets have Queen’s “We are the champions,” with montage footage of all the champions winning their belts from UFC 1-100. There are some major heart lifting and heart wrenching moments in amongst the title fights. From Randy’s “Not bad for an old man,” Chuck’s wide armed primal shouting, all the way back to Royce wanting to go to Disneyland. Fights finishing, hands being raised and belts won. It will be great I tell you, and I will accept creative royalties in the form of Leffe beer vouchers.

Affliction: Be loyal to your fighters!

Andrei Arlovski is an ex UFC heavyweight champion. He has not actually been UFC heavyweight champion since April 15th, 2006. There have been three since then, and two interim belt holders. When his contract ended with the UFC, he remained out of contract, checking his options for a while before deciding to look to Affliction. From the moment the contact was signed, Andrei became an Affliction fighter. He wore the T-shirts and made the media appearances. He was given the chance to fight fedor for the Wamma belt, and that’s where the perspective changed. The Affliction owners started hyping up the match as Fedor vs another UFC champion. Tom’s video blog showed him texting Dana and inviting him along to see “your boy get destroyed.” After Fedor won the fight, the Affliction owners could be seen dancing around the ring, hugging eachother with joy at the knockout. Absolutely no class. This was not a cross promotion fight with the UFC, this was between two Affliction fighters, and both should have been supported with neutrality by their management. Whether Affliction like it or not, in that particular scenario only Dana White can negatively comment on his ex fighter, because he is not promoting him anymore. This is something he decided not to do on this occasion, but was happy to when Fedor beat Tim Sylvia. If Affliction look deep enough, they may find that a lot of their fighters have been UFC champions or contenders at one time or another. Do they still regard Vitor or Josh as UFC fighters? Who do Tom & Co see as the genuine Affliction fighters? What other fights might they take sides with? We all know that this only applies to whoever fights Fedor, their golden ticket. Its all just transparent buffing of the shiny Wamma belt, which is meaningless to all other promotions. The belt is meant to discredit the authenticity of other promotions champions, specifically the UFC heavyweight belt. A shiny hook that the Fertitas have no need to bite. Affliction would love the pay per view money and the instant revenue that being part of a UFC promotion promises. The UFC have no need or reason to co-promote with Affliction. Sure, everyone would love to see Fedor fight current UFC fighters, but its never going to happen that way. Be happy with your signed fighters Affliction, treat them with respect and promote them without favouritism. That is how you will build an exciting and loyal roster, not by treating them as outsiders to feed to your champion.