Tuesday, 22 December 2009

The Ghost Of MMA Christmas Future




Do not fear me, human.
Do not recoil from my Guida hair-cut, Tanner homage beard or my tattered UFC 1 event shirt.
I was there in the beginning; I shall be there in the end.
For I am the Ghost of MMA Future.

As you celebrate the explosion of MMA’s popularity and dream of the day when your sport is heralded across the world, think again human!
What if your prayers are fully answered?

It will not all be rosy and joyous, dear fan.
Oh no.

Come with me into a future where MMA has taken hold as the number one sport in the world.
Let me be your guide as we travel forward to the dark legacy of popularist, mainstream MMA.
There is a storm coming, and with the positives, you must also take the negatives!

WOOOOOooooooo……



As MMA takes hold of the world, you will see a last push of opposition and animosity before the war is truly won.  The early television fighter interviews will be as inane as you would expect, with the phrase ‘Human Cockfighting’ being wheeled out one last time by the only people to ever use it: moronic, ill-informed puppet presenters.
This final pathetic shot and the overwhelmingly well argued response of outrage it incites in fight fans worldwide, signals at last the start of MMA’s domination.
Long time fans will celebrate a victory, but very soon the glint of profit attracts the wolves.

The true fan and the fad follower shall become indistinguishable as fighter t-shirts become a fashion must have.  Bandwagon designers and mass producing corporations smother the markets in clichéd, uninspired rags.
See the new clothing, see its skulls and shiny foily bits.  See how every term in the MMA thesaurus is suffixed with the word ‘wear’ and plastered across another churned out design.

Look here at this future MMA report-
‘The T-shirt company “Tapoutsprawlsinisterhitmandeathclutchsliverstarwarriorwear” are in their fourth year of law court litigation as they attempt to sue every other MMA t-shirt promoter for copyright breach of their brand name.
The brand is very popular with the larger MMA fan as only the XXL shirts are wide enough to display the company logo.’

Amongst the first cash-in offenders will be the terrible MMA gossip magazines.  ‘Mystic Martial Arts Weekly’ will feature a ‘Fighting Spirit’ section, containing ‘The psychic fight predictions and cosmic life guidance of Guru Nightmare Sanchez.’
Although gifted with skills of clairvoyance, sadly in the end, Guru Sanchez will never see the runaway truck coming.

Let me especially forewarn you of the music.
Oh, by Holy Helio, the music!
There will be a return to ‘form’ by the pop group ‘New Kids On The Block’, who top the charts with a reworking of an old hit by ‘The Knack,’ now entitled ‘My Kimura.’
Although you will hate it with every strand of your DNA, it is still infinitely preferable to DJ Armbar’s 2015 Ibiza club classic ‘The cagefighter line dance.’

Do not concern yourself with the apparent appetite fighters have to become actors and vice versa.  This migration will grow and grow until the fateful year of 2026 when Hollywood is filled with only fighters and the cages contain only actors.
This is universally agreed as a poor year for both industries and will prompt everyone to return sheepishly to where their legitimate skills lie.
The exception of course is Emma ‘Face Ripper’ Watson, whom you will know currently of ‘Harry Potter’ fame.  She will return to acting only when someone pries the heavyweight belt from her cold, dead, muscular waist.

Alex Reid and Katie Price have shown us the shape of things to come as the public’s obsession with celebrity turns its withering gaze on cagefighting.  Be prepared to see fighters as the arm candy of choice for all affluent women of the future.
A fighter fiancé can certainly help keep the pestering paparazzi at bay.
Glamour models and ex-porn stars will still be targeted by lustful fighters, although the romantic union between (name deleted after legal advice) and Ron Jeremy will cause quite a stir, making social events difficult for both men until the truth finally comes out in the open.

Politicians and others who crave the public eye will eagerly pounce and fight over ever small scrap of self respect the MMA industry has, without thought to the damage to the sport, or even to themselves-

Behold news of years ahead-
‘The English Prime Minister’s attempt to be ‘down with the kids’ backfired when he stepped into the cage yesterday for a publicity exhibition match with a well known fighter.  Vowing to ‘go easy’ on his opponent, he winked to the cameras before being brutally choked unconscious in under six seconds.
Unfortunately veteran submission wrestler and amateur anarchist Jeff Monson was so caught up in the spectacle he inadvertently held the choke for just over an hour too long.
A general election will be held following the funeral.’

Observe the bandwagons being loaded with colourful merchandise and product tie-ins, stretching the relevancy to MMA to its very limit.

In business the news shall read-
‘Parents and kids are still enraged at the decision by UFC president Dana White to recall all mini UFC action figures found in ‘Happy Burger’ children’s meals.  The collection of fifty individual fighter models has been a massive hit with fat children around the world, who have raced to eat their way to a full set.
When the product recall was announced there was initial concern that it may be due to a health and safety issue, but it seems that Mr White had his own reasons.
“I still fuckin need the Tim Sylvia ‘pant-shit’ figure and the ‘UFC 80 Carrie’ edition of Joe Daddy.  No little fuckin douche bag rug rat is getting a full collection before me!  I have a spare ‘Running Kaleb’ if anyone wants to swap. If not, fuck you retards.”’

When MMA has ceased being the pariah and is celebrated as the norm, promoters will again look to the value of shock and gimmicky presentation to set them apart and draw attention to their shows.  One night extreme tournaments will return in places where commission rules can be bent, such as the annual ‘North Pole Ice Hole Roll.’

Does the idea of a z-list celebrity MMA tournament fill you with cringing dread?
Just wait until the thirty man ‘Morbidly obese royal rumble’ matches are shown, with referee stoppages due to gassing halfway along a fighter’s entrance walk.
As the money men look for every new angle to exploit, the future could get much, much worse.

Look ahead to this future news report-
‘In Nebraska, Governor Lesner has finally managed to push through legislation for his dual level octagon design, complete with razor ladders, laser beam fence and optional piranha pool.  His new promotion ‘World MMA Entertainment’ continues to both gain younger fans and anger old fans with its brand of scripted cage fighting entertainment.
When criticized for his involvement in such a venture, 97 year old Randy Couture (186,132,54) stated that he was just happy to be still fighting, although he was considering a drop down to lightweight soon.
Governor Lesner has ruled out all requests for co promotion with the fading UFC organisation.  “When Fedor Jnr wants to fight the very best, he has to fight in the Double-Decker Cage®. WMMAE is as real as it gets, whilst still maintaining a pre-determined outcome.”’

Be not entirely consumed with worry though child, for not all is bleak.
As Tito once sparkled on ‘The Apprentice’ so shall Chuck’s sequined gown shall dazzle on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
The introduction of the Diaz and Browning brothers into the ‘Big Brother’ house will be some of the best and most disgusting moments in television history, right up to the point where the riot police and sniffer dogs are deployed. 

You still have the power to avoid these futures my child.
When the important times come you must make your voice heard!
The dark years of seeking legislation are mostly over; there is no need now to compromise the sport’s integrity against the promise of wider acceptance.
MMA is now here to stay, do not let it fall under the shadow of manipulation.
Shout down the rule changes that seek to dilute or change beyond recognition your beloved sport.  Anyone bringing the name of MMA into disrepute to line their own pockets is an enemy of the fans.
When you see an obvious incorporation of MMA into an otherwise irrelevant product or service, do not be tempted!  Put your money back into the companies who build the sport, not those looking for a quick profit.
When the soulless copycat organisations rise, let them die without nurture, leaving the healthy promotions sustained by and for the true fans of the sport.

Go now and remember my words! Keep the sport on the right path and all will be well!
No child, I do not require your thanks… but perhaps in the future you could purchase me a jar of ‘Canadian Red Wine Marinade’ when it is released.
It keeps a shoulder of Hawaiian pork marvellously lubricated when roasting.
Merry Christmas to one and all!





The Ghost of MMA Christmas Future
(Transcribed by Andrew McGuigan)

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